Honesty. That’s always an excellent place to start. Hard one, too. Recently, I contemplated closing Torchlight down for good. I’d spent most of 2021 angry at God, tired, and just plain downtrodden. While there were many reasons for celebration, certain interactions in my personal and professional life were taking a toll on me. Like many of you, I tried to understand why hardship continued its assault. I’m a good person and try, always, to do the right thing. So why then, did God seem constantly intent on punishing me? I couldn’t see the proverbial end of the tunnel. Nor, frankly, did I feel comfortable devoting time and energy to Torchlight.
On our main page, there is an important verse I’d forgotten. John 12:46 – “I am come a light into the world, that whosoever believeth on me should not abide in darkness.” I was abiding in darkness. Not the darkness of faithlessness, perhaps. No, more the darkness of hurt, of untrusting, of keeping my burdens upon my own shoulders instead of laying them at the feet of my God. I walked through the shadowlands of doubt, where I permitted others a say in who I am, when God has already done that. I allowed other people’s sinfulness to cloud my own walk with God.
And so I reached a point where I was going to delete Torchlight and remove it from existence. I’d even logged into the site and started the process when a feeling struck me. This was WRONG. I wasn’t supposed to do this. So, I closed the tab on my internet browser and left it alone for a little bit. Funny thing though, I started to feel God again. I realized I didn’t want to let my anger keep me from His love anymore. But, I’m stubborn. I wasn’t going to work on this ministry again, just because I didn’t feel right about shutting it down.
Two things happened. Well, maybe more than two, but they stood out most. First. We let my father’s mother come to Christmas. There’s trauma in my relationship with her to where I can’t welcome her into my life again, but I realized I no longer wanted to carry the hate I’d held for her. So, I wrote a letter forgiving her and, I think, this helped open the door a little more. The other was a conversation with my longtime best friend/brother, Emmanuel. Things had become strained with us, to the point that during his first trip home in three years, I nearly ended our friendship. With the assistance of my wife, hard conversation, and prayer, we saw healing and I can say our friendship has seen renewal.
And, I think… we’ve decided to stop trying to emulate Jonah. My friend has his own spiritual journey, which I’ll let him share in his time. As for myself, well, I’m going to answer the call I’ve been avoiding. Let’s see what happens next.