Tag: forgiveness

Hurtful words, Forgiveness Spent

Words matter. When we’re little, with the big ol’ world out there waiting for us to conquer it, we think the bullies are on the playground, that the hurtful words only exist on the television (and come with some meaningful lesson around the 30-minute mark). We grow up hearing “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” and we actually believe it. But isn’t it more likely you’ll hear hurtful words than have someone beat you with sticks and stones? How much more likely are we to see emotional and psychological abuse as normalized parts of our existence? A sad truth is this: far too many people use love as an excuse to spew hateful words.

How about some examples?

  1. “I love you. Now, why don’t you come around anymore? You know how your father gets when he’s drinking. He really didn’t mean to squeeze your wrist. Aren’t you being too sensitive about it?”
  2. “Don’t you know what you’re doing to me? You know how your father is. You can’t change him and besides, you just have to get over it. Like the rest of us do.”
  3. “Why do you hate me? I am sorry that you were offended by that?”

The list could go on. We’re all guilty of saying the wrong thing from time to time. Nobody sees eye to eye at all times. Miscommunication happens. Misunderstandings happen. We’ve all heard the cliches- put your foot in your mouth, your mouth wrote a check your butt can’t cash, etc. The human being is prone to speak foolishly.

Let’s look at some verses.

Ephesians 4:29 (CSB) says, ” Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.”
Proverbs 10:32 (CSB) says, “The lips of the righteous know what is appropriate, but the mouth of the wicked, only what is perverse.”
Ecclesiastes 10:14 (CSB) says, “yet the fool multiplies words. No one knows what will happen, and who can tell anyone what will happen after him?”

During my youth, I tended towards letting my mouth get away from me before I took the time to think about what I said. I hurt loved ones. I scathed folks I disliked. Over time, I’ve learned silence can be (and often is) the proper recourse for others’ hurtfulness. I’ve also realized that bullies find the word “no” very offensive and will often spin the narrative in such a way, you are the villain for saying no. But doesn’t our Father in Heaven tell us no when it’s better for us? Doesn’t He command us to use uplifting language and to seek what is holy and just? Now that I’m older, I recognize that “no” can be a hurtful word, but it is not a hateful one.

And therein lies the difference. Because we are imperfect in our sin, we take denial of what we want as hurtful. As any parent will tell you, a child shouldn’t always get what they want, when they want it, in the way they think they want it. Sometimes, it’s just not safe for them. Sometimes, there’s a reason to wait or they’ve got to earn it in some fashion. To the child, this is hurtful. It’s mean. It’s unfair. It is NOT hateful. Now, as adults, we sometimes need to say no for our own well-being. Rape culture is not okay; once someone says no, what they might have previously allowed is no longer allowable. This does not just refer to sex; rather, it refers to any moment when someone’s decision to say no (about anything) is attacked and they are demeaned, belittled, and vilified. Remember the three examples earlier? Those can occur after someone has drawn the line and said no.

In Ephesians 4:31 (CSB) we’re told to “Let all bitterness, anger and wrath, shouting and slander be removed from you, along with all malice.”
Matthew 5:7 (CSB) tells us “Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.”

Forgiving hurtfulness is hard enough. Forgiving hatefulness is harder still. God calls us to forgive, as we are forgiven. Hate belongs to the devil. Love to God. Forgiveness spent… it’s like currency. The more hatefulness you endure, the more forgiveness you need. The more forgiveness you give, the more peace you enjoy. It isn’t easy and it isn’t always fun. But here’s a little nugget for you. Forgiving someone doesn’t mean you have to go right back to subjecting yourself to hatefulness. No, God doesn’t call us to be foolish, so if doing so will guarantee you will sin, turn the other cheek and walk on out of there.

I’m going to end with this prayer. Join me if you will.

Lord, our God, I cry out against hateful words. I cry out against the foolishness of wasted speech. Grant me the wisdom to be silent. Grant me the strength to show grace when I really don’t want to. You sent your son to endure the hateful and hurtful. And Lord I am grateful that he chose the cross and forgiveness. I pray that when life gets too hard and people just seem so mean-spirited, you make me wise and not the fool. In your wonderful name, I pray. Amen.

The Other Cheek

When I share my artwork, I scrawl the word Grimm somewhere towards the bottom. Partly a nod to the Brothers Grimm and partly due to a fascination with horror art/fiction, it proved a fitting moniker. Yesterday, my wife pointed out something else. In many ways, I’ve become the name. Solitary, quiet, almost melancholic. I am not afraid of death or the inevitability of my own. It’s a name that indicates- at least to me- someone capable of taking hit after hit, of delving deeper into darkness, and just… not surrendering.

It’s the name of a hard man. One who, frankly, can hold a grudge and be unforgiving at times.

In Matthew 5:39, Jesus tells us “But I tell you, don’t resist an evildoer. On the contrary, if anyone slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also.” How many of us find it easy to pass judgment? To react harshly to those who hurt us? In verses 43 through 45 of that same chapter, Jesus goes on to say “You have heard that it was said, Love your neighbor and hate your enemy. But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be children of your Father in heaven. For he causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.”

It’s easy to love those who are good to us. I love my wife so immensely. She encourages me, uplifts me, shares life with me, and tries to keep me connected to the world around me. She shares my love of stories and pushes me to keep using my God-given gifts. When I look at her or even just think about her, I’m filled with warmth, love, and all those wonderful, good things. I truly believe God shines on this house and blesses us every day.

However, like many others, there are people in my life who aren’t easy to tolerate, let alone like or love. Blood or time does not deny cruelty. It does not always hinder it. Often, we learn the ones who hurt us most are ones with time on their side; they’ve put in the work, so they believe they are entitled to say anything, to make everything acceptable. Jesus says turn the other cheek. Show them love. Show them mercy. Do not reciprocate with your hate. Luke 6: 26-28 states, “Woe to you when all people speak well of you, for this is the way their ancestors used to treat the false prophets. But I say to you who listen: Love your enemies, do what is good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.

Let me posit something. Take Romans 16:17-18. “Now I urge you, brothers and sisters, to watch out for those who create divisions and obstacles contrary to the teaching that you learned. Avoid them, because such people do not serve our Lord Christ but their own appetites. They deceive the hearts of the unsuspecting with smooth talk and flattering words.” Far too often, we equate forgiveness and turning the other cheek with submission. Submit to God, not man. It’s your duty as a Christ-follower to offer forgiveness. That is what is right in God’s eyes. Those who have hate in their hearts are not of God.

Turn the other cheek, but not to keep score. Turn the other cheek, but not because you deserve abuse. Turn the other cheek, but not because you wish to play the martyr. No. Turn the other cheek because you trust in your Father, who wields the righteous flame of judgment. Turn the other cheek because you will not be beaten. Turn the other cheek because you have faith in Jesus Christ.

Life isn’t kind. We’re told throughout scripture that when we seek God and when we identify as a follower of Jesus Christ, the world- and those who side with it- will strike out against us. We choose how we respond. We can be like Grimm, harsh and sometimes unforgiving, or we can be like Jesus commanded us: loving and full of forgiveness. It doesn’t mean we have to accept these forces into our lives. Some people are just too toxic for our well-being. But, we should never allow their hate, their anger, their meanness infect our hearts and souls.

Because when we stop turning the other cheek, the devil wins.